Colour me surprised because Iron Man 3 is not the pile of lazy self indulgent-smug-quippy robots fighting each other-science lingo to justify non sensical plot-ego maniacal mess I thought it would be.
I am not saying it’s like, genius, I mean woah there, calm the fuck down, it’s hardly X Men 2 or Spiderman or even Paperman, but neither is it The Avengers, Iron Man 2 or The Green Lantern. I am putting down the cynicism hammer and picking up the colour me surprised brush and I have to thank Jon Favreau’s replacement Shane Black for this.
Whilst Favreau went off to try and become Ultimate Fighting Champion again, Shane Black of ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’ fame stepped in to fill his deceptively small shoes.
If you haven’t seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, you are some kind of idiot and you should.
It comes from a better time, a more naive time, when RDJ still had to prove himself, when Val Kilmer was funny, when men were men and chocolate bars were 54p and I was 20 and could drink an entire bottle of white wine without cry vomiting. The best time.
Anyway thanks to Mr Black I was not eating my hand out of despair at Robert DJ being a smug douche, and neither did I feel superior to the stupid fucking audience for laughing incorrectly at his ‘antics.’
In the past Stark’s antics have resorted to him pointing out why he is the best person in the room, and thats just dull.
On a side note: You can judge an audience on how hard they laugh at the Kevin Bacon adverts. If they laugh too hard it indicates they don’t understand humour and don’t go to the cinema enough I KNOW THAT FUCKING THING WORD FOR WORD.
And all I keep thinking is when is ‘Sleepers’ Bacon or ‘Woodsman” Bacon gonna show. He would be a ball.
So Shane made some effort to appreciate character audience, and plot.
So the plot – Tony is having panic attacks and can’t sleep, because of the aliens from The Avengers movie. He too realises just how lame they are. No jokez, he is upset because he nearly died and ate bad shawarma (which we brits call a kebab) and reasons.
But anyway, 12 years ago he was a dick to Guy Pearce, who looks like he went to the Ugly Betty/She’s All That school of make unders.
(There is literally no pictures of Guy on the internet when he is uglified.)
But he looked like this
So New Years Eve twelve years ago Guy was like “Tony I got some science I want to talk about with you,” and Tony was like “I’ll meet you on the roof in five to chat about it, but first I gotta have sex with Rebecca Hall.” And you know what, he never showed. He chatted to Hall (EVIL BOTANIST) about botony instead, and then he fucked her. (Cue the playing of *what a man*)
Hall invented a plant that can regrow bits of itself if damaged HOWEVER sometimes it explodes instead.
She called it a glitch, I call it a fucking liability.
After all someone might harness that power for evil…
Someone…. LIKE GUY PEARCE.
PRESENT DAY: Guy Pearce has become the far more handsome face of corporate evil science, and he strolls into Gwyneth Paltrows office, because she is now the CEO of Stark enterprisez and asks for some money for some science stuff. Which to the untrained ear kind of sounds like a load of bollocks. He points out a empty part of the human brain and states that with his technology it can be altered or filled with something cool.
Like the ability to speak Flemish.
I asked a neuroscientist about the plausibility of this and they said “No. That would never happen. This is bullshit.”
Gwyn turns down the evil science but still feels some stirring towards Pearce in her happy pants place.
Probably due to his nifty carpet suit.
Meanwhile Starks security guard, ‘happy’ (played by Jon Favreau HOW AWKWARD) decides to follow Pearce and his suspicious looking security guard whilst Tony tinkers with his suits and pisses Gwyn off by buying her a giant bunny rabbit for Xmas with paws like weird breasts.
Happy follows Pearces security guard (played by Michael Fassbenders boss in Shame) to the Chinese Theatre where he gives something to a guy who blows up.
Possible a dynamite sandwich.
(A lot of this film is spend watching what happens, and then watching Tony Stark try to work out what happens.)
How did the person blow up when there is no sign of a bomb? HMMMMM? What’s a bomb when it is not a bomb? THINK STARK THINK.
But he can’t think because he has a panic attack for most of the first act, oh and then he threatens The Mandarin
The Satsuma is played by Ben Kingsley, a terrorist who takes over the airwaves with these early 90’s looking music videos, or those MTV ‘Diary Of’ shows in which stars said “you think you know, but you have no idea,” and you were previously happy for your ignorance.
Anyway, in the videos The Orange talks about killing everyone for the sake of reasons and takes credit for the bomb at the Chinese Theatre and various other bombs in the world, and Stark is so pissed off that he put Happy in a coma that he gives him his home address and asks him to come and kill him. He obliges, but not before Hall turns up and is like ‘I did a bad thing with the plants.’
During the attack Stark manages to put his suit on Gwyn to protect her because Stark has these magnets in his arms and when he points the suit goes where the magnets are pointing, which is a bit Spidermanesque but moving on.
Stark trys to find out why people are eating all these dynamite sandwhiches and journeys to a small town where he meets a child and they bond and IT’S AWESOME. Father/son links are quickly dismissed when the child mentions his dad left to get scratch cards from the store….six years ago. Stark retorts “dad’s leave, don’t be a pussy.” Lol.
Anyway the child helps him discover why people eat explodey Panini, as the first boom boom toastie man happened in his town, and its something to do with the plants and limbs re growing and GUY PEARCE IS BEHIND IT WITH HIS FABULOUS HAIR.
Anyway, The Clementine turns out to be a front for Pearce to take over the world for reasons, and Rebecca Hall has tricked Gwyn into trusting her and she and Pearce have kidnapped the bint.
Ben Kingsley turns out to just be a front for the whole thing. He is not actually a terrorist but a drunken actor from London, whose “King Lear was the talk of Croydon apparently,” quips Pierce. SO MANY QUIPS.
BUT Stark must now rescue Pepper Potts AND save the President. What he gonna do?
Now I didn’t watch the next bit because he saves 13 people falling from a plane and I got really bad motion sickness and felt all hot and weird. But stuff happened, and no one died.
MEANWHILE IN EVIL LAB: Paltrow is being experimented on to make her a combostible croque monsieur, and she is doing her best “in…so…much…pain…” face in her best sports bra and leggings.
Tracey Anderton must be looking on going “behold my finest creation since Madonna.” Paltrow is stacked with a six pack you could grate cheesley off. I want to look like her but without all that dieting and exercise, but I am confident it is achievable with the right balance of cigarettes, cocaine and laxatives. I call it the addictive personality diet.
Anyway the explosions are people, and the people are exploding because of Halls plant discovery, but this also makes them all hot and super powered AND BREATHE FIRE. In short Guy Pearce is a dragon.
Anyway there is this really long fight at the end which isn’t fun or funny, and is quite dull and I still felt motion sick, and I realised the Ginger Ale I was drinking was not sugar free as I previously had thought. THANKS ASDA. So I was like “23g of sugar? Now I am never gonna look like Gwyneth.” But she dies… or so you think….
But she doesn’t because if you paid attention your like “wait a minute, she had the special dragon power, she’ll be fine.” And she is. In fact, she isn’t even that annoyed at Tony despire the fact he got her imprisoned, experimented on and he bought her a weird huge breast bunny for xmas.
I think its because she is no longer ginger. She is just grateful for that. She ignores his arrogance. Stark buys the kid (Brian?) some corporate stuff for a lab, because he helped him charge up his suit and he threw a snowball at a baddy when he was about to shoot Stark. Whattaguy.
So Gwyn is like, “this was a bad week, can we not do this again?” and Stark is like “I choose a mortal life” and he blows up his suits and Gywn is like “YAY.”
So I stayed until the end of the film to watch the credits for the inevitable Avengers link. A lot of people were in this film. Like LOADS. The credits never ended. Also how come Rob Down J and Gwyn Pal had a make up artist but Don Cheadle had a “groomer?” Like a dog groomer? Admit you wear Touche Eclat Cheadle. Admit it.
Anyway, turns out the monologue at the beginning wasn’t a monologue but it was Stark talking to…. the hulk. So they quip a bit, and I was like “SOOOO CUTE.” AND THEN IT ENDED.
And I was satisfied.
But it ended with the words “IRON MAN WILL RETURN.” As what? Who knows? Who cares?