Step aside Piegella, I’m going to fucking bake and there’s nothing you or a nation of fussy, adept, “foodie” bastards can do about it.
I’m not patient, I have a short attention span, I hate using more than one utensil and I don’t like following instructions, so baking really isn’t for the likes of me. However I do like eating cakes and pies and sugar.. So when you see a box at the supermarket that says things like “are you lazy and fat? Do you like eating? Is one of your key food groups sugar? I bet it is you tubby bastard! LOL *winky face*” then you know you have to try them.
I bought Betty Crocker ‘Red Velvet’ cake mix and Betty Crocker vanilla frosting.
Here’s what happened..
It says mix the bag of shit with eggs and water and oil, either by hand or electronically. No brainer.
Things you wont need.
It’s not very red, so feel free to add your own free pour measures of red food colouring.. It’s still kind of pinky gross.. Feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
Also even though you don’t know anything about baking, feel free to add other ingredients.. I added some white chocolate drops. Why not right?
Here I did a video of the process..
You’ve pre-heated the oven and greased two baking trays that are different sizes, you eventually only use one, but grease both anyway. You do this because it says so on the packet and someone reminds you and although you’re not a baker, you’re not a moron.
You pour the mixture into both trays and then realise they’re different sizes and it’ll look silly once you build the cake, and you worry about what the baking community will think about you. Scrape the mixture out and pour into the larger tin.
Put it in the fucking oven.
Have a milkshake.
Add some Kaluha to the milkshake as you’re not a fucking 5 year old.
Take the cake out, and even though its been in well over the allocated time, it’s still wobbly. Put it back in and Google your queries.
Look at your mums teatowel drawer and her wine.
Test the frosting with your finger, like an animal.
The online mums baking club suggest putting foil on top so it doesn’t burn. Do this.
Check out how people feel about alcohol in the frosting.
You’ll be more or less completely drunk now, so make sure you burn yourself at least twice.
Forget to take photos of it post-bake and resting on a wire rack, but I’m sure we all fucking know what that looks like.
Put the fucking frosting on it.