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Step aside Piegella, I’m going to fucking bake and there’s nothing you or a nation of fussy, adept, “foodie” bastards can do about it.

I’m not patient, I have a short attention span, I hate using more than one utensil and I don’t like following instructions, so baking really isn’t for the likes of me. However I do like eating cakes and pies and sugar.. So when you see a box at the supermarket that says things like “are you lazy and fat? Do you like eating? Is one of your key food groups sugar? I bet it is you tubby bastard! LOL *winky face*” then you know you have to try them.

I bought Betty Crocker ‘Red Velvet’ cake mix and Betty Crocker vanilla frosting.

Yeah, you caught me, call the foodie police..

Yeah, you caught me, call the foodie police..

Here’s what happened..

It says mix the bag of shit with eggs and water and oil, either by hand or electronically. No brainer.

There's no whisk attachment. So hope for the best with a blade.

There’s no whisk attachment. So hope for the best with a blade.

Things you wont need.

Cream of tartar, anyone?

Cream of tartar, anyone?

It’s not very red, so feel free to add your own free pour measures of red food colouring.. It’s still kind of pinky gross.. Feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

It's actually better if its a year past its use-by-date..

It’s actually better if its a year past its use-by-date..

Also even though you don’t know anything about baking, feel free to add other ingredients.. I added some white chocolate drops. Why not right?

Here I did a video of the process..

You’ve pre-heated the oven and greased two baking trays that are different sizes, you eventually only use one, but grease both anyway. You do this because it says so on the packet and someone reminds you and although you’re not a baker, you’re not a moron.

Just call me Superwoman..

Just call me Superwoman..

You pour the mixture into both trays and then realise they’re different sizes and it’ll look silly once you build the cake, and you worry about what the baking community will think about you. Scrape the mixture out and pour into the larger tin.

Put it in the fucking oven.

Remember to shut the door, idiots.

Remember to shut the door, idiots.

Amuse yourself.

So bored of baking,

So bored of baking,

Watch it.

Have a milkshake.

Why not, what else are you going to have? Sodawater?

Why not, what else are you going to have? Sodawater?

Add some Kaluha to the milkshake as you’re not a fucking 5 year old.

Take the cake out, and even though its been in well over the allocated time, it’s still wobbly. Put it back in and Google your queries.

Look at your mums teatowel drawer and her wine.

Some wine options for later.

Some wine options for later.

Remember that one day, you'll be like this..

Remember that one day, you’ll be like this..

Test the frosting with your finger, like an animal.

It's delicious and gross in extreme yet equal measures. Which are my favourite kind of measures.

It’s delicious and gross in extreme yet equal measures. Which are my favourite kind of measures.

The online mums baking club suggest putting foil on top so it doesn’t burn. Do this.

Check out how people feel about alcohol in the frosting.

Research some alternatives..

Research some alternatives..

You’ll be more or less completely drunk now, so make sure you burn yourself at least twice.

Play with the slop..

Play with the slop..

Forget to take photos of it post-bake and resting on a wire rack, but I’m sure we all fucking know what that looks like.

Put the fucking frosting on it.

Make sure you make it look as moon like as possible.

Make sure you make it look as moon like as possible.

Cover up all burnt bits with some diabetes.

Cover up all burnt bits with some diabetes.

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2 thoughts on “The Idiots Guide to Baking

  1. Pingback: If This Is A Blog Then What's Christmas? - I won’t wish my life away, so tell me if you can, who decides when I’m grown up and turned into the weekend?

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