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RIP Dane Bowers: R&B superstar, love-maker, Butlins DJ.

by Celebrity Obituarist Andy Price (@Andyy_P)

Dane Bowers was born Danish Bowery in the summer of 1971. He was born to Scottish immigrant parents, his father, a labourer working in the gold mines of Northamptonshire, his mother a common prostitute on the Cornish coast, where she side-lined in selling pebbles to minors. They met in Birmingham, during the great 1970s oil crisis. His mother was initially confused and almost resisted copulation when his father (Daniel Bowers) told her he was a miner. She’d tried to sell him a pebble, leading Daniel to believe she was mentally challenged. In reality, of course, it would take much more to stop a Bowers.

Despite this promising start, Dane has been off-radar for the last few years. Presumably working on something awesome.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a story to tell. Despite being sadly overshadowed by his blistering music career, the real Dane Bowers story is actually in his personal life – which is  filled with anthropomorphic adventures, charitable acts, and curing bad backs through the Bowers Technique. The rest of his much more interesting endeavours however, we’ve compiled below.

So what were Bowers’ greatest hits? “Out of Your Mind” by Truesteppers feat. Victoria Beckham?

WRONG.

His greatest hits, is his life.

…Quite honestly, I don’t think that even a grammatically correct sentence would have matched that build up, so let’s just move on.

1.      Educating Dane Bowers

Dane Bowers enrolled in the Brit School – otherwise known as the London School for Performing Arts & Technology in 1982, joining a long roster of star talent that already included Rizzle Kicks, Twist & Pulse, and of course, a young Cush Jumbo.

Dane Bowers’ time at the Brit school was, sadly, cut short. It was after a young Danny Bowers was caught short during an afternoon PE lesson – he’d forgotten his PE kit. In a punishment we’re all familiar with, he was made to climb the high rope in his pants. Shortly after passing the half way mark, Bowers fell.  The friction on the rope from the fall was so fierce, it burned away all sign of his burgeoning pubic region, leaving nothing but a dark hole, just above the shaft of the penis.

Doctors have since referred to the phenomenon as Wayne Williams syndrome, much to Bowers’ chagrin.

Then he took a shit in the janitor’s mop bucket and was expelled.

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A young Dane Bowers during an early interview on Channel 4’s Big Breakfast.

2.      Dane Bowers becomes a true friend and confidante to Janet Jackson

“Dane, my love,” said Janet Jackson, the 46 year-old singer-songwriter, dancer, record producer, actress, film producer, author, model, and spokeswoman born in Gary, Indiana, though she was only 31 at the time of this anecdote.

The year was 1998 and Dane Bowers was having the time of his life during Another Level’s stint as the supporting act on the European leg of Jackson’s The Velvet Rope World Tour.

“Yes, Janet Jackson,” replied Bowers reservedly, remembering her three previous requests which all involved blowing on her nipples for five full minutes before she went on stage. Bowers had never enjoyed nipples.

“Will you be a dear and scrape the corns off my lower back and elbows?”

Dane, surprised, was more than willing. “Yes dear!”

Little did Bowers know, he was being lined up to become Janet’s most famous confidante. She later went on to tell him many things, widely reported in the global press. Like how Joe Jackson had Michael legally declared a midget in the early days of the Jackson 5 to allow him entry into bars so they could play the O’Neill’s pub circuit. She also told him that Tito never did learn the alphabet in time for that spelling bee while also revealed that Macauley Culkin was actually 25 by the time they made Richie Rich.

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Bowers and Jackson also found success with their grammy-nominated cover of the Home and Away theme tune

Late in their friendship, the pair also became famous for starring in a leaked sex tape where Dane Bowers put his big toe into Jackson’s labial region while one of the guys from Blue jerked off into a tea pot.

He was also best man at Michael Jackson’s funeral.

3.      Dane Bowers: Brawlin’ in Bogner Regis

Sadly not the title of his latest comeback hit.

It is in fact something far more excellent. Bowers was recently charged with assault, along with brother Wade (excellent name), and fried Terry Kean (also good).

Kean and Wade were also charged with possession of cocaine, which we have to presume Bowers consumed at least half of.

This all took place at the Butlins in Bogner Regis, where a source said Bowers was working as a DJ at the time.

Bowers denied the accusations, releasing a statement shortly after the incident: “I had the whole club doing the Butlins Harlem Shake!!!!! Gonna post the video on YouTube.”

The video can be viewed here

In conclusion, I’d say Bowers’ reputation is solid: confirmed cocaine addict, convicted thug, amateur pornographer, and funeral best man. He has the kind of life we can only dream of, and at only 41, we are assured another life-full of anecdotes, stories, songs, and friendships to come. So can we all raise a glass please?

To Dane Bowers.

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Edit: Bowers was found dead this morning next to a railroad in San Miguel de Allende, in Guanajuato, Mexico. After attending a wedding party, Bowers was reported to have gone for a walk along a railroad track to reach the next town, but passed out in the cold and rainy night, wearing nothing but a T-shirt and jeans. In the morning, he was found in a coma by the track, reportedly by Dr Anton Black, later a professor at El Paso Community College, who carried Bowers over his shoulders to the local post office building. Bowers was then transported to the closest hospital, where he died a few hours later, four days short of his forty-second birthday.

The exact cause of Bowers’ death remains uncertain. Those who attended the wedding party confirm that he took an unknown quantity of Secobarbital, a powerful barbiturate sold under the brand name of Seconal. The physician who performed the autopsy wrote simply “general congestion in all systems”. When interviewed later, the physician stated that he was unable to give an accurate report, because Bowers was a foreigner and there were drugs involved. ‘Exposure’ is currently being cited as his cause of death, although his widow disputes this and believes he may have died of renal failure.

Bowers is survived by his wife, four children, three ex-wives, and Janet Jackson.

 
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