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So The Host is a splenda infused invasion of the body snatchers romance for the Hunger Games generation. Or possibly a metaphor for PMS. Or a remake of Fight Club. Either way, it’s bad. Really bad. Not even bad in a fun way. Just badly scripted non sensical ridiculously boring bad and some of the people in it are real actors and should know better. William Hurt was in The Village for gods sake.

DON'T WATCH THIS FILM

DON’T WATCH THIS FILM

There is already a film called The Host which came out in 2006.

You should see that instead.

But that film is South Korean, so why would anyone bother renaming this film or differentiating it right?

All we can hope is that some people watch the wrong movie and have a far better time of it.

host-kill

Classic vagina monster

However if you must watch the second worst film called The Host you should know it doesn’t stray too far from the Twilight formula, Stephanie Meyers far more successful book adaptations.

  • Fantasy love triangle (tick)
  • No stakes (actual and metaphorical)  (tick)
  • No original concepts (tick)
  • Poorly developed characters (tick)
  • Stupid mythical reasons to prevent sex between teenagers, yet fascination with sex between teenagers (tick)

This would all be fine if it was actually a entertaining film, rather then a beige pie in dullsville.

The Setting: FUTURE!

The-Host-movie-companion-pictures-the-host-32860171-1300-1200

Aliens have taken over Earth and implanted themselves in the bodies of all HUMANS.

The aliens are implanted in their human Host through a ridiculously simple medical procedure involving insertion though a cut to the back of the neck. Meyer obviously got out a diagram of the human body and went “hmmmm brain stem?”

So the aliens look like scrunchies. Silver fucking scrunchies.

silver

Aliens.

The aliens have blue eyes, and the humans evade detection by wearing sunglasses, not coloured contact lenses. Because they are stupid.

Saoirse Ronan plays Wanderer, (aliens lack imagination), whom has been implanted in the body of Mel a member of the human resistance that threw herself out of a window like some kind of idiot and died.

sdsd

Both characters are played by Saoirse Ronan. Coz it’s the same person. (Can anyone pronounce her name? I don’t think anyone can pronounce her name.)

So most human bodies give in to their new host, but Mel is a fighter, and procedes to internally monologue herself into Wanderer’s every thoughts by saying things like ‘hey, im trapped inside you, and it kind of sucks.

Mel quickly proves herself to be the most annoying human being in the world. like Bella was, and Wanderer just wants to fuck everyone. It only takes a few of Mel’s memories of making out with MAX IRONS for her to choose to betray ALL her fellow aliens.

We spend most of the film watching Ronan chat to herself (so we don’t get confused, Mel’s thoughts have reverb on them) and there conversations truly reach the peak of intellectual debate. They discuss the morality of colonisation- humans were destroying the planet but does that make this occupation better then murder? And dissect the age old question, what it is to have a soul? I AM KIDDING. Mel says things like “do you feel bad, coz you should” and Wanderer says fucking nothing. And thinks about fucking.

But sadly 1000 years of exisiting has not taught Wanderer much, like how to put a chair under a door the right way round to stop someone breaking in. You think there would be some basic training when the aliens get to the new world.  Imagine how freaked out she is by her first poo! Like, what happens the first time she does a poo? How does she cope? The film should have really delved into that.

The bad guy is Diane Kruger who looks a bit vicious, has a tight pony tail and says things like ‘you will never get away from me!’.

kruger

But Mel/Wanderer quickly get away from her.

She is a Seeker. She seeks things. Tennis balls. Carrot sticks.

The rest of the henchmen don’t seem to really care about the seeking so much, maybe because Meyer wrote them that way.They even say ‘just leave them alone’ about the remaining humans thus removing all sense of threat or danger or excitement.

I want to keep pointing out to you how there are no real stakes/steaks/actual stakes in this movie.

So Mel/Wanderer decide to drive to Wanderers Healer, who I assume is like her therapist, but Mel tricks her into driving to the desert instead to seek out MAX IRONS and her little brother. Because she promised her brother she would come back, and she has NEVER let him down.

Apart from the time she got caught by the aliens and died.

Fail.

They walk through the desert and although they nearly die, they don’t. They happen to stumble upon Hurt (Mel’s CRAZY uncle) and his motley crew of last remaining humans. Most of these humans are really attractive men, and young children. Wanderer/Mel is literally the only teenage girl left in the world.

Which is why everyone wants to fuck her.

And boy does she resist.

kissing6

But first they want to punch her in the face for being a Alien instead of Mel. First doubting aunt Mag (MAGNOLIA AHAHAHA) punches Wanda in the face. Then MAX IRONS punches her in the face.

He’s all like “Your such a dick,” and everyone’s like “stop, she can’t help being an alien now,” and he’s like “What? She’s an alien?”

But maverick Uncle William Hurt can see that Wanderer is actually Mel, and has a soul, despite the fact Wanderer says nothing of the sort. Because he is a crazy genius. He has built a home for all the sexy men and young girls and old women in a cave. It is his sexy sex cave filled with mirrors and corn. A lot of corn. Oh and a lot of slack jawed extras who stare at Wanda in shock when ever she enters a scene. It’s like ‘have you guys never seen a alien before?’

Or there like “Is that the bitch from Atonement?It’s her fault James McAvoy is dead. PUNCH”

sratone006

Why you punch my face?


Some yokel called Ian decides he fancies a bit of cross species sex and tells Wanderer, now named Wanda, that she’s his best girl and he wants to take her to the barn dance and then we have the love triangle.

kissing4

Then the high stakes happen. FINALLY.

Jamie (the brother) is a clusmy fuck and he cuts himself on a scythe during some harvesting scenes (how do they survive down there? OH the harvest. Of course.) His leg is infected, and we all know he is “dying” because he is sweating profusely on a bed saying things like “Oh its so cold/dark.”

So the stakes are….. lack of antibiotics….

Anyway the aliens have medicine in the form of perfume bottles which say things like “heal” and “disinfect” and “placebo” on them, and Wanda/Mel decides to try and steal him some.

MAX IRONS drives Wanda to the hospital and she bleeds over the nice white floor and the aliens heal her. No questions. No wanted posters or name taking. Nothing. And even then, because Wanda has the IQ of a scrunchie, she has to be told what to do by Mel. “Tell the doctor you fell… on a knife. Tell her you want some water. Now steal the medicine with your hands…. No your hands. Don’t Itch your bum.” Some of this is actual dialogue from the film.

touching1

Your my best girl

She manages to steal the medicine whilst the doctor gets her some water (NICE ONE MEL) and she leaves undetected. Nothing happens, no close calls. IT IS THE MOST POINTLESS SCENE.

Jamie is healed, and they all laugh at him not being dead. Then Diane Kruger is like “I am here to get you. Finally. Took me fucking ages.” Then they shoot her.

Then they take out her scrunchie and make her human again. But you have to coax out the scrunchie with love otherwise both The Host and the alien die. By this point I was like “WHAT IS GOING ON.”

Then Diane Kruger is back to her human self. She doesnt even say ” Where the fuck am I? What’s with all these white clothes?” She’s like “MY NAMES LUCY AND IM FREE.” She didnt look like a Lucy AT ALL.

Then Wanda is like “I want to die now, free Mel and let me die.” And everyone is like “No, Mel was a total bitch, we like you more. Please don’t go.” Then Ian tells her he loves her. Because of all the deep and meaningful conversations they had. He loves her. Actually loves her. I found everything up to this point believable until Ian stood in the cornfield and told her he loved her.

kissing2

But she decides to die anyway. Except they don’t let her die. The scrunchie is put into…. Emily Browning. WTF.

This is apparently a spoiler, but does anyone care by this point? I am fed up with films with Aliens who are so moved by human beings capacity for love that they decide to either sacrifice themselves or become one of us. They should sent Aliens out to Oceania in Bristol on a Saturday night and then ask them if they still want to kill themselves for humanity.

*Google informs me Emily was having real life sexy times with MAX IRONS , so she was probably bringing him his washing and the director went “Seriously Browning. What else you gonna be doing?”*

So Wanda and Mel and Ian and MAX IRONS sit in the caves and hug each other, and no one cares, and I died.

OH OH

Right at the end the foursome are driving around at night wearing sunglasses,

(Cut to scene with Seekers who have a picture of human wearing sunglasses underneath a heading titled “How to spot humans.”)

They get pulled over and lined up, and have to take off their sunglasses “So you guys aren’t just supercool, your actually humans.” Luckily these alien has also switched sides and they were not the only ones!!!! Phew. Now I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT.

I hope they make a sequel.

The Host 2: Revenge of Jafar

The Host 2: Revenge of Jafar

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