I first dipped my fat toes into Tomb Raider when I was about 14. I’d borrowed the game, so I never fully immersed myself as there was that unspoken borrowing time limit, and 14 year old girls are demanding, impatient and fucking evil. Of course I wasn’t. I was kind and patient and nursed helpless animals back to health after they’d suffered animal accidents, but like, the other bitches were. Nowadays I only borrow to keep. So, fyi, you’re not getting those DVDs or books back.


I only properly got into it when my dad bought me Tomb Raider 2, I can’t remember why (although I probably impatiently demanded it), but I do remember the adverts.. THERE ARE NONE ONLINE?! Christ I can find an advert for fucking shoes in the 80s, but not Tomb Raider 2. You can read reviews from 1997 online, about how great the graphics are (were)..

I feel like I’m actually there..

We spared no expenses on the floor to ceiling patterns.

Here’s a segment from an 1997 lol review “Tomb Raider was all about looks, and Tomb Raider II continues that trend. When running the game with a 3Dfx card, it’s often tempting to simply sit back and take in the view”.. Back when we all did enjoy a good pixel or 2.

Mapping the background = image x repeat infinity

Obviously things have changed, for the better, but also, for the worse.. The new game, whilst fun and enjoyable is a bit easy, and less, cray cray find the dragons, solve the puzzles, find the secrets, find the treasure and learn the cheats so you can have a full arsenal of weaponry including a spear gun..

Fire and dragon graphics. A masterpiece of gaming.

Fire and dragon graphics. A masterpiece of gaming.

Basically, tomb raiding is minimal.. I raced through the game, looting maybe one or two tombs, I didn’t find much or do much.. But thats okay, there’s way more killing. Killing with a bow and arrow, killing with a fire bow and arrow, killing with explosives, killing with guns, killing with pickaxes. And there are a variety of things to kill; dogs, birds, deer, men, samurai.. No dinosaurs or pixelated Venetian thugs though.



It wasn’t really Tomb Raider as it’s been before; Lara is nervous, young and inexperienced. She’s gutsy but sloppy.. It’s quite a bit different from the original where she’s an arrogant, calm and sly, I did love that Lara.

Fun new things!

Fun new things!

But Tomb Raider 2013 is violent, sweary, quick and fun. Also, if like me you’re a emotional sadist, you’ll enjoy the tear streaks on her bloodied face. It’s also cool watching her clothing deteriorate over the game, as well as seeing the mud wipe away when it rains. Nice touches. You can also fast travel, which I guess, if you want to play it properly you’ll need to do, as there are parts at the beginning which you can’t do until you have items from further into the game. I guess I would have done this if I wasn’t rushing through it all like a nervous sweaty handed oaf. Much like the new Lara. I am nothing, if not a method gamer.

2 thoughts on “Womb Raider

    • I do want it. I want it more than anything. Any. Thing.
      But I think that’s the American version.. I’m sure the UK versh was amazing.

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