Young Wombs have recently realised that TV detectives make ideal husbands. Their often on the spectrum, so you can take them to casinos and clean up big, they drown their sorrows but only with the finest whisky and they tend to have pretty comprehensive pension plans. Plus the life insurance! Don’t even go there!
TV detectives have the sexiest of baggage.
But Young Wombs haven’t watched many crimes dramas and don’t know who to have unhealthy fixations on so Alix Richards, crime drama watcher extraordinaire and appreciator of the troubled male psyche when wrapped in the stubble of a detective, has made a spectacular list of her Top Ten Fictional Crime Men for us.
And boy are they fine. Criminally Fine…criminal fines… criminal minds (puns…)
Crime dramas are on all the channels all the time, you think they couldn’t possibly commission anymore and then another 10,000 spring up when you weren’t looking.
One starring a Hollywood actor who now sells mobile phones because it’s not illegal to dance anymore, one with Dr Who, who got bored of traveling the universe and saving the human race AGAIN. Another with the whole cast of glee – a remake of the singing detective trying to harness that all important crossover market. Another where the Muppets solve crimes in the animal kingdom…
I could go on….
But this is due to people like me. I watch them all – I’m watching one right now. I’m not even sorry. I bloody love them, even the shit ones. Sure a Cold Case episode or a Without a Trace doesn’t add up to the magic of 50 minutes with John Luther (what does?) but they all have their place, and I will watch them all…except Numbers.
I might have a crime fixation but seriously even I was cringing at that after thought of a television program.
But lets get to what’s important here. Who’s hot. Which detective, or other crime drama staple – pathologist, FBI agent, lawyer, magician, mind reader, engineer, circus master (delete as appropriate) – I am, and therefore should you, be lusting after. That’s right when it comes to crime I know who’s damn fine, or something less creepy/shit.
10. Seeley Booth – Bones
So after Angel finished being well Angel, he joined the US Army, fought in a selection of wars, became a detective and started working with the non-annoying Deschanel sister Emily. That’s right she doesn’t walking around singing, being kooky, and tricking me into liking New Girl even though I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. She knows all the things about bones and Booth is her go-to guy for catching baddies, shooting guns and having babies. Booth is basically cross a lot of the time – but you know in that ‘I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders’ way not the ‘I need to get petrol, I haven’t done the supermarket shop and I could just do with a sit-down and some me time’ way.
I like that.
A man with a gun, and definitely a good detective, should have the weight of the world on his shoulders because he cares guys. He just wants to rid the world of all the bad people. Also his face is ok, I could live with it. Seeley Booth you sir, should be proud.
9. Ripley – Luther
I like Sargent Ripley because he’s got Luther’s back and we all know in crime dramas yo gotst to have yo boss’ back yo. The trouble is I can’t really get over the fact that he was the rapist in Hollyoaks.
Yep, I know for shame, I used to watch Hollyoaks.
Unfortunately you can’t undo what’s done, and unfortunately for Ripley as much as he’s like a super loyal puppy dog to Luther (also I heart dogs), and generally solves crime without a gun (yeah Booth) he only makes it to No.9. Sozzer.
8 & 7 Robert Lewis (Robbie) and James Hathaway – Lewis
Who knew Oxfordshire was such a dangerous place? Despite soaring crime rates, house prices remain steady and so does Lewis, solving murder after murder with his trusty sidekick, the extremely good looking but OH MY GOD SO MISERABLE, Hathaway.
Seriously Hathaway is always sad. Always.
I think it’s because Hathaway is supposed to be in constant inner turmoil. The man used to love God and then couldn’t entirely reconcile himself with religion. He wants to see the good in people but sees so much evil. Hathaway needs a break.
He never gets one, but at least he has Robbie to go down the pub with.
They love nothing better than being in a middle of a murder case and popping to a beer garden for a swift pint of ale. That is totally how I’d solve crime, half-cut. Plus I’m pretty sure Robbie would buy you a bag of chips on the way home if you found a clue or stumbled (literally) upon the murder weapon.
6 & 5 Dr Harry Cunningham and Jack Hodgson – Silent Witness
Hathaway’s sister is also totally into solving crime, except she’s not a cop, she’s a pathologist. She’s all into wearing extremely high heels and getting elbows deep into some human intestines.
Anyhow her partner in crime used to be Harry ‘I-will-literally-sleep-with-anyone-but-you-Emilia-Fox’ Cunningham. Will they won’t, won’t they, did they… I can’t entirely remember.
The point is Harry’s hot. Firstly because he’s a doctor – I think clever is hot. Also because, as you can see from above, he pouts nicely and has stupid floppy hair. I like stupid hair. He’s both good guy and bad boy. Harry is a pretty safe, generic, crime drama heartthrob but he does it excellently. When Harry and Emilia got bored of the NEVER ENDING sexual tension, they shipped him off to America and brought in a new suitably attractive replacement Jack Hodgson. Jack’s tough because he does boxing and shit. Also he has a honeyed Irish accent. He’s a younger, slightly more renegade Harry. I approve.
4. Ted Danson – CSI
I can’t even remember what his character is called. I think I have a serious crush on Ted Danson. I’m not sure if this is a problem or not. A silver fox with a chin and forehead that could protect me from all the evils of the world. Oh, Ted when will it be our time?
3. Agent Derek Morgan – Criminal Minds
Morgan is smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooth.He calls mostly everyone ‘babygirl’. It’s his catchphrase/the only words he knows – it’s so much part of him that Shemar Moore (aka Derek Morgan) has even designed his own ‘babygirl’ clothing range. The guy’s got game yo’ .
So who’s in the top spot? Honorable mentions go out to Patrick Jane – nothing like a sociopath to get you hot under the collar, and Gene Hunt. Seriously – don’t know what’s wrong with me but that over-weight misogynist has really got something going on.
Top of the crime hots could only go to one man….
1. Dr Spencer Reid (My future husband) – Criminal Minds
Dr Spencer Reid works with the BFU in Quantico, Virginia. He is a genius. FACT. He knows basically everything there is to know about history, literature, people, the world and HE DOES MAGIC TRICKS. Like, better than Barney Stinston does magic tricks. I know riiiiiiight. Reasonably importantly he has stupid hair. Sometimes he has long stupid hair, sometimes he has short stupid hair, whatever the length it helps him look even more adorable. MGG (Mathew Grey Gubler) used to be a model, not entirely surprising – look at his face – but it’s not just his appearance I love, it’s the character as a whole. Yep, that’s right I’m not entirely superficial.
HE WEARS WAISTCOATS – (see Patrick Jane.)
His gun is an old fashioned cowboy style pistol rather than a less aesthetically pleasing standard FBI issue one. Kid’s got style. Plus when Sue Sylvester got sick of those awful kids in Glee she moved to Vegas, got married, turned Schizophrenic and became Spencer’s Mum.
I have a necklace with his face on it. I’m assuming he also has one with my face. WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER. He understands me in a way I thought difficult for a fictional character….
I’ll leave you with this gif, in the words of Emily Prentice, if you get between me and my future husband…