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jamie7

There are four ways to approach Valentines Day.

  • Ignore it. Pretend it hasn’t occurred and just carry on with your life. Don’t mention it, moan about it, or pay regard to it. If your single it doesn’t affect one day from the next and it’s not like there’s more traffic, so what are you bitching about? We all die alone really.

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  • Enjoy it ironically. “Lets go to Dave’s party dressed as Sid and Nancy and snort anatomically correct heart shaped coke lines off cassette tapes.
  • Enjoy it unironically. Go to a restaurant with overpriced set menus, jostle for elbow space with other couples enjoying their asparagus oyster sandwich, drink the second cheapest bottle of wine and give each other either flowers, chocolates or chocolate flowers. Eat penis shaped food and talk about the first time you met. Or the last time you met. Or the first time you noticed that really long arm hair of his, and how you fear it may well strangle you in the night.
I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

  • Say you hate Valentines Day but get really upset if your significant other doesn’t make some kind of token gesture. Even if its small and petty. Like buying you a boost bar. Or a hair band. Or some turmeric. Or organising a indoor picnic. Or taking you to look at a nice view. Like a field. Or buying you directors seat tickets for Die Hard 5. But just one, so you have to go on your own.

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BUT DON’T IGNORE VALENTINES DAY ON THE GROUNDS THAT EVERYDAY SHOULD BE SPECIAL.

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Every day can not be special.

No, I fucking hate you

No, I fucking hate you

What about the day you take out the compost bag and the juice runs all down your leg? Or the day your guests rip back your duvet and ask you to explain each mystery stain on your bed? Or when you find a library book you forgot you even owned? Or when your laptop up for Spotify at a party and someone tries to look something up on youtube, and another kind site comes up in your chrome search bar which also starts with a “you.” Nodding in recognition? You disgust me.

Life is about pockets of joy amongst weeks of monotony. But monotony makes you appreciate the moments of joy. And that’s what love is. It’s not  a constant Rogers and Hammerstein musical. It’s the occasionally singing episode in a pretty solid show.

(Buffy)

Anyway, here is a collection of pop culture that Young Wombs thinks best represents true love and romance. Deep down inside we are cynical romantics, and our hearts are made of mush. Which is unfortunate because it means we will die soon.

Maxlandisbemyvalentine

Max Landis, be my Valentine. Or i’ll kill you.

Ways to Show That Special Someone They are Your Special Someone Without Freaking Them Out or Repulsing Them

Go old school. Impress them in an eighties way.

Oh Ducky, you repressed homosexual you.

Oh Jake Ryan, if your chin wasn’t so strong this would be border line stalking.

Or impress them in a Elvish way. Tell them you Le Melin them. That’s Elvish for I love you. That’s right.

Sindarin (Elvish from LOTR) “Le melin.”

Meet the love child of Aragon and Liv Tyler.

Tell them in binary.

01001001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101

geek-nails

Or just propose. Seriously. Even if the love of your life has no idea you exist then propose to them. They will get so confused they will just say yes.

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Gifts for Him

In a relationship, and think my Die Hard idea is lame? Then feast your eyes on some of these beauties for the man in your life.

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The man in your life is your dad

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I fucking love your dad

a thousand times yes

This is your dad

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Your dad is my dad.

Gifts for her

Think my hair band idea was lame? Then feast your eyes on this womans bum. THAT COULD BE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS BUM.

 

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Nothing says romance like anatomically correct pants! Well, not for me. I know my uterus bends ever so slightly to the right.

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For one night only give him what he has always wanted.
Let him pretend your vagina belongs to Christina Hendricks.

 

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Onanism the Catwoman Way.

Gifts for Chefs

macaroni (1)

Gifts for Morticians

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Happy Fucking Valentines Day

jamie3

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2 thoughts on “Happy Fucking Valentines Days

  1. As someone who’s one of many crappy jobs was in a butcher shop, the annual beef or veal heart is always an accepted gesture. You’ll know you’re even more loved when you get brains, liver, kidneys and other offal with it.

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