Look.. By no means take the stuff we say as the gospel, we would never call ourselves Gods, of course we wouldn’t. WE wouldn’t. But we came up with some truthful, cutting, possibly offensive in their real and edgy way – alternates for what guys say. This is like a dictionary, if you’re an idiot or have autism. Obviously it can work both ways, we like to look at things from all angles, girls are no walk in the park (BUT DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL ME IRRATIONAL OR I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND THROW IT OVER THE WALL), so if you’re feeling sorry for yourself, feel free to replace the girlfriend to boyfriend or cat or whatever you’re into.. Freak.


It’s the truth..

What gets said is on the left, and what is meant is on the right. These all come from experience. A bitter, twisted experience. Feel free to add your own. Don’t hold back.. Because we can just delete the ones we don’t like.

Do you wanna get a drink = I have a girlfriend

Shall we go up to my room = I have a girlfriend

I’m flirting with you = I have had a girlfriend for like five years

I’m really into everything you say = I hate you so much

I hate you so much = I love you

You like my friends? = I wish you could be more funny around my friends

You like my parents? = They think you smell of cabbage

You like my cat? = Girls like cats, right?

You like my sneezing panda? = THANK YOU INTERNET

You look tired = Oh god, you’re like, VISIBLY ageing.

You look well = Stop eating the pepperoni off my pizza and telling yourself your on the Atkins diet

I’m tired = you’re bad at sex.

You’re tired = you’re bad at sex.

Shall we order a takeaway = Stop eating cold sausages

Shall we cook = I wish you could cook

You wanna tidy up around here = seriously, WHAT IS YOUR DEAL

How much did you take? = Is this a cry for help, or are you like, really depressed?

I want to see you again = I never want to see you again.

I never want to see you again = I never want to see you again

I like your friends = I wanna like your friends, but they keep asking you for advice, ignoring it, then going out with dickheads and ringing you at 4am because they are sad

I hate you’re friends = No, I seriously hate your friends.

I really enjoyed that film, what did you think? = I hope we can have sex now.

She’s so ugly = I want to sleep with her.

I’m really into sport = I have no thoughts or opinions.

Pasta or pizza? = sex or sex?

What is your opinion on this = I don’t care about your opinion on this

Do you like TV? = I prefer a woman who can’t read

I’m really into jazz = I have no real opinion on music

I like all kinds of music = I am a massive douchebag

I want to make you happy = Why won’t you except my gift of a muller light?

Seriously, you have never heard of Woolworths? = oh GAWD IM A PAEDOPHILE

3 thoughts on “Boys Decoded

  1. I have a bad cold= please don’t try and kiss me

    What do you mean you don’t watch Breaking Bad?!= I don’t respect people unless they can talk endlessly about the same tv show til the wee hours of the morning.

    What should I dress up as for Comic Con? = I know you are going to suggest a busty character like Ms. Marvel or Black Cat. If not that then you’ll suggest Ramona Flowers, because “I look so much like the girl who played her in the film so much”….ehhh fuck you I don’t need your opinion I was gonna be Phoenix any how.

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