Things I will miss about Twilight

  • Charlie’s moustache.
  • Charlies bad parenting skills.
  • In fact Charlie’s whole attitude to life. “You’re leaving because you had a fight with your boyfriend? Your back? Your getting married? You can’t come home because you have a illness? Your still ill? You might die? Your friend turns into a werewolf? You have a six-month-old who can walk and talk and looks exactly like you? You have no heartbeat? Guess I’ll just have a beer and watch the game.”
  • Wondering if the vampire baby ever pooped or ate.
  • Or was she just born completely self sufficient. “I’m so well adjusted no one need explain anything to me!”
  • Wondering why Bella’s mum really kicked her out.
  • Wondering if it had anything to do with Phil.
  • The bad CGI. Those terrible wolves, the tree running, creepy baby face.
  • Loving how R Pattz had it stipulated in his contract that his eyebrows never EVER be waxed again

Before: Real men use Veet

And as nature intended

After: Fan does silent scream

  • Anna Kendrick taking the films as seriously as they deserved to be taken.
  • The make up.
  • Someone threw flour at the vampires as they left the trailer, “oh right, your meant to look all corspey.”
Do you have like, a cold?

Do you have like, a cold?

  • Ditto the wigs. Stuck on with blu tack.
  • Imaging Stephanie Meyer cry masturbating to Muse albums
  • Imaging Stephanie Meyer working out scenes with dolls
  • The well balanced representation of race and nationality
  • I nearly wet myself in Breaking Dawn part 2 when they introduced the Amazon vampires. They looked like they were on a photoshoot challenge for Americas Next Top Model.

Oh you better fucking smize

  • The Irish ones were great too, all red beards and farming outfits, probably remembering the potato famine or Bono’s contribution to rock history.
  • And the Brazilian guy at the end in the loincloth. Classic.
  • I am gonna miss this guy. Who the fuck was this guy?

  • Feeling guilty that R Pattz and K Stew had to make these films.
  • I mean they must have been like, “have you noticed this plot hole, and this one? And why won’t you sleep with me? Have you seen my butt?”
  • Wondering how the conversation went when the director explained to Jacob that R Pattz would be getting his abs sprayed on, “but I haven’t been stopped working out in two years. LOOK AT ALL THESE CANS OF TUNA. I HAVE A SERIOUS EATING DISORDER.”



Fuck me Jacob


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