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So I’ve been playing Skyrim now for almost a year. Yes that makes me inexplicably lame and dull and tragic and detached and semi-autistic, but also.. I’m on like, level 64.. So. Suck it.

Bucket’s on. Steal everything.

Now, we can all enjoy a game that sucks you in to the point of debilitating, soul crushing isolation, but perhaps you’re an idealist, and you think this behemoth can be completed in a few dozen hours.. (You’re wrong, but) here are my conclusions, thoughts, suggestions and tips!

1. First things first.. if you put a bucket on someone’s head they can’t see you stealing everything from them.

2. You’ll spend the first 20 levels catching butterflies, picking up roots and eating potatoes. Once you’re average enough at stealing, don’t bother “eating” anymore, just steal all the potions.. Your days of carrying 130 potatoes are over.

3. Stealing is fine, murder is fine, necromancy is fine, slander is fine, lying, blackmail and treachery is fine.. But for the love of God don’t kill a fucking chicken.

4. Dragons, bears and wolves have a need for gold coins and jewels.

Don’t tell me how to ride.

5. Get a horse, then fast travel.. The scenery is great and all.. But it’s not a walk in the fucking park. It’s a walk in all the parks.. Back to back.. Until the end of time.

6. Use Atronachs or Dremora, get a follower, and relax while they do all the work. I like to loot all the urns, then take all the credit.

7. You’re not just the Dragonborn.. You’re also everyone’s ad-hoc life admin assistant.

8. Spend 20 minutes battling dragons, draugr, Daedric lords and survive on an mg of health. Then you’ll get attacked by a mudcrab and die instantly.

9. It doesn’t matter if you’re level 60, with the best armour and weaponry. A man in a fur skirt will still kill you with a shitty dagger.

10. Mammoths are terrifying and will continue to watch you until you’re about 3 miles away.

11. Save! For the love of Talos, save!

Will watch you until the end of time..

12. Everyone knows it was you who threw their voice.

13. It doesn’t matter if a city is under siege by dragons, an army, or blood thirsty vampires. If you accidentally hit someone in friendly fire.. You’re the enemy.

14. When you’re feeling glum, pop on that Amulet of Mara.

15. “Wait! I know you..” Gets tedious. Pay off the bounty or kill everyone.

16. A quick play is 10 hours.

17. Knee protection hasn’t been invented.

Energy 100%

18. Ulfric likes to give you lots of different names, and lots of shitty armour.

19. Somedays you just want to kill everyone. And you do.

20. You’re better at finances than you are in real life. Depressingly so.

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