Height – 6ft, (he just looks shorter due to the cuboid like nature of head)

Whoops I ejaculated, now I kill everyone.

Strengths –

  • Lives forever. Those cute buns will never sag.
  • Batman like stealth qualities – essential for sexy stranger danger role play.
  • Was the original vampire stalker before Edward.
  • Wry sense of humour. (broody in Buffy, but HE-LARIOUS in Angel)
  • Fought a dragon.
  • Owned a law firm.
  • Saved the world a bunch of times.
  • Good with swords and punching people in face.
  • Great hair.
  • Fought a fucking dragon.


  • Turns evil when ejaculates.
  • That “Irish” accent.
  • Can’t leave house during day as will burst into flames.
  • Questionable parental skills (Let his son get sent to a hell dimension)
  • Had sex with Cordy – her vagina is a bucket of STD’s.
  • Not a great dancer.
  • Killed Jasmine and ruined our only chance for world peace.
  • Like, REALLLLY prominent forehead.

Agility (as a lover)

  •  If he cums, and doesn’t turn evil, then he doesn’t love you.


Height – 5ft 9 inches


  • British
  • Likes a drink, and a smoke.
  • Bit of a LOL.
  • Sensitive. He ain’t afraid to cry or show his emotions.
  • Sexy bad boy thing 
  • Cheekbones you could slice an apple with.
  • Saved the world. Sigh.
  • Dedicated. Likely to die/kill/maim for you.


  • A bit rapey.

    My body is cold, but my penis is tepid.

  • Pretended to be disabled, like, not cool.
  • Writes poetry.
  • Lives in crypt.
  • Issues with sanity.
  • Tried to shag own mother.
  • Will make a robot version of you and fuck it.

Agilities as a lover –

  • Super kinky. Likes destroying buildings/setting fire to towns/killing people during sex.


Height – 5 ft 10


  • The snoopy dance.
  • Heart of gold
  • Safest character from Buffy to go out with, (you still might die through association, but less people will try and fillet your face.)
  • Good at DIY and repair.
  • He’s just like, so funnnnnny.
  • Saved the world with HUGGLES.



  • Lacks depth perception.
  • Totes demon magnet.
  • Won’t itch that inner death wish.
  • Mild brain damage from being knocked out all the time.

Agility as a lover – 

  • Vanilla sex. Plain, boring, creamy?


Height- Like tall, okay?


  • Captain America style strength due to squat thrusts and superpower injections
  • Good at keeping alter ego identity a secret.
  • Having sex with him makes houses orgasm.


  • stupid hair
  • stupid face
  • stupid bum
  • stupid stupid
  • so boring
  • Yawn

Agilities as a lover –

  • He looks in your eyes the entire time and won’t let you give him a blow job because he think it would be deeming for you.


Height: As tall as Oz when he is standing on the yellow pages.

Strengths –

  • British.
  • Reformed bad boy – hint of danger but also good at cooking and being on time for things.
  • Probably take you out to the theatre.
  • Well read and intelligent.
  • Good pension from his job as a librarian
  • Could train you to defend yourself.
  • Fatherly. Good for those with freudian issues.
  • Wonderful singing voice.
  • Also saved the world.
  • Hunky in a weathered way.
  • Encyclopedic knowledge of spells, demons and martial arts. So great person to have on team at a particular kind of pub quiz.


  • SPOILER ALERT. Dead (spoiler alert)
  • Patronising
  • A bit stuffy.
  • Hangs out with people 20 years his junior, bit suspicious.
  • Also has brain damage from being constantly knocked out.
  • His dark past may come back and haunt you. Literally haunt you.
  • Totally not over Jenny Calender.

Agility as a lover:  He does all the disgusting made up sex acts that sound like brands of 80’s keyboards. Like mooging.

One thought on “Buffy Boys Top Trumps

  1. This is literally the greatet thing i’ve ever read. NO ONE LIKES YOU RILEY FINN!! WHAT IS UP WITH HOS VOICE OMG just thinking about riley finn fills me with RAGE

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