Day in the life of…

A very important office worker!

“can I get those synergy reports on my desk by 3…”

Wake up.
Eat sugary cereal because it makes you momentarily happy.
Walk to work in the rain, listen to Beyonce and imagine you’re her.. Walk like her. Imagine there are explosions going off and you’re in an action movie, or you’re an X-Man.
Get a coffee from the place you go every morning but avoid getting to know anyone because its too much effort and also, there’s too much at stake (there’s nothing at stake. But you tell yourself this because it’s easier.. God it’s so hard to be nice all the time).
Get to the office and try not to sigh too much.
Stand up a lot, it makes you look busy and authoritative.
Tut and rest your hands in your head like you’re dealing with difficult problems.. This is also a good method at getting people to avoid you.
Do your online food shopping and look for hats on ebay.
Try to eat your yogurt unprovocatively.
Listen to the news but quickly lose interest and find a film on iPlayer to watch secretly.
But get distracted by the possibility of animals falling over on youtube, and watch that instead. End up watching make-up tutorials by 14 year olds.

Nothing says business like taking a phonecall while ordering coffee

Read a funny blog and disguise the laughter as coughing or sighing at all the business you’re doing.
Send out some emails with words like ‘synergy’ and ‘evaluation report’ and ‘overview’ in them to make them appear like you know what you’re talking about.
Think about not having a lunch and just focusing on getting some work done.
Go to the toilet to check Twitter.
Go on lunch for an hour, and make sure you buy something with either melted cheese or sugar.
Ideally both.
Buy another coffee from the same place you go every morning and pretend you’re on a business call so that they know you’re not just a person that buys coffee to look like they have an important job, that requires caffeinating, but an actual important business person.
Get back to your desk and worry about all the work that you haven’t done.
Quickly check your personal mail and all of the internet.
Check some boxes on the work server so it looks like you’ve done it.
Write something in your desk pad, with a pen, so that it looks like you’re busy and thinking about stuff.
Draw a dog.

“you have no new messages or friends”

Zone out for an hour.
Fill up your water bottle and check Twitter.
Listen to a podcast about death and question your existence and the foibles of your insignificant and troubled life.
Sign up to Greenpeace.
Mark Greenpeace as spam.
See how quickly you can drink a litre of water.
Go to the toilet and check Facebook.
Finish a passive aggressive email to an enquiring young mind, thats sure to make them think again about being so optimistic and hopeful and creative.
Pack your bag and close down all your browsers but continue to look like you’re working.
Slide in to your coat, but make sure you continue typing.
Turn off your monitor and roll on to the floor and out of the door.
Home free.


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