OMG, Where to start….
Lets start here!
So that’s Paul Hogan, who plays Mick “the crocodile” Dundee, a movie based on the real life exploits of some guy who wrestled crocodiles. As you can see he hearts Australian stereotypes and fulfilling them to international visitors. He is also kind of McDreamy in a “these aren’t wrinkles, these are life experience lines,” (Adam and Joe reference) kind of way.
And this is Linda Kozlowski
…and that’s her butt.
But she travels to the outback to do more then show off her butt floss. She goes to interview Mick (Paul Hogan, Hulk Hogans son in law) about the horrific circumstances in which he lost a limb.
I don’t know why the highly reputable Newsday magazine would fly their top feature writer out to Australia to talk to a bushman about loosing his leg in a good old fashioned Man vs Croc fight, but I guess there were less rapes, murders, and shootings to report on in New York that week. Or maybe she just wrote the light hearted funnies at the back.
“This guy was a few kangaroos short of a top paddock when he lost his leg to a angry croc!”
Luckily for her and her prejudice he has two legs, and before you can say Fair Dinkum they realise “wrestling the crocodile” is actually a metaphor for masturbation and they fall in love.
Whilst they hang around the outback Mick proves himself to be such a man. Linda can’t help but be drawn to his thinning hair and oddly white teeth, both on and off the screen (YES THEY ARE MARRIED IN REAL LIFE SWOON.) Mick shows us how to really seduce a woman as he hypnotises buffalo, kills snakes, dances with aboriginals, looks at bats, rides an eagle and tames a dragon and then, icing on the cake, he saves Linda’s life. How can she ever repay him? By getting her front bottom out of course! And she invites him to New York to do more “research,” and soon the tables turn. He is now the fish out of water! But he handles it all pretty well, in fact he handles it a lot better then she did.
(WIKI: Mick is able to overcome problematic situations including attempted robberies and two encounters with a pimp.)
So he manages to save Linda’s life again AND put everyone’s parents off ever taken them to New York.
Also best parody ever.
How I fall in love with ever man, woman and child who says “I see you have played knifey spooney before.”
But in all seriousness, who the fuck is paying for all these flights?
BUT UH OH BUMP IN THE LOVE ROAD: Linda (I can’t even be bothered to find out her actual characters name, but I think it is Sue. But the again my mum is called Sue, and I often get her confused with fictional characters. I’m like “I loved that film that’s about two women who drive off a cliff, you know, Thelma and Sue.” Or “
Isn’t that film with Arnold Swarzenegger as a time travelling robot great! What’s it called again? The Sue?”) is engaged to Richard.
Richard is a real drag, and wears a lot of grey power suits and has never shot a crocodile or even seen the Northern Lights. But Mick meets him and Linda for dinner, and proves he is more of an alcoholic then him, drinking him under the table and into a brief coma.
BUT disaster! Mick “the crocodile” Dundee decides to go home! He realises he is too much of a fish out of water and he needs the air of Australia to breathe or something, and Linda seems like she might marry Richard for realisies.
I would call her a heart breaking hussy, but in fairness Richard has a pension plan and a vineyard in France. Mick has a knife and an 80% chance of developing skin cancer. A girls gotta eat. Whores will have their trinkets (Black Book reference)
Also his visa got revoked and he’s wanted by the police for pulling knifes on everyone, and he’s run out of clothes and winter is going to set in and he definitely doesn’t own a jumper.
But Linda finds out and runs after him because SHE ISN’T GOING TO MARRY RICHARD. She throws off her shoes as she chases him to underground and steps in dog shit and hypodermic needles, but fuck it, she needs the girth of a real man inside her.
So in the best and most epic romantic moment in the world EVER, Linda passes on her message of love to Mick using two members of the YMCA as her voice.
Nothing in life has ever gotten better then the first time I saw this film. Not even winning a Barbie doll dream house, or playing at Glastonbury, or the negative reading on a pregnancy test. Nothing.
So basically I am saying that the only thing that’s better then Crocodile Dundee is a negative pregnancy test result read live on stage at Glastonbury whilst I play in a Barbie doll dream house.
Also there are TWO versions of Crocodile Dundee? The Australian one (longer, more aussie slang, more hating on America, actually knifing of man during the infamous “that’s not a knife scene,” a subplot involving Richard erectile dysfunction) and the American/International one (shorter, less slang, has quotes around the film name “Crocodile” Dundee in case you didn’t understand he wasn’t a real crocodile.)
WHY HAVEN’T WE ALL WATCHED THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION TOGETHER?
Everyone back to mine for kangaroo dumplings, flagons of fosters and a couple of rounds of crocodile with spoon VS koala with knife! My money is on the guy in the corner with a shotgun in case it all gets out of hand!