Whilst searching for superior coffees in the Capital, myself and friend of the blog Owain Paciuszko (@kingoftheducks) came up with an idea to both revolutionize and ruin relationships.
Mutually Assured Genital Interchange for Criminal or Adulterous Liability
It’s a scheme we believe in so strongly we’re setting up a Kickstarter to get it off the ground. I estimate we need about £500,000 to make it really zing.
Here’s how it works:
A couple exchange sealed envelopes that contain a photo they have taken of themselves. In the photo they are naked and committing an act of unspeakable obscenity. They must be in an unflattering position. And their genitals have to be on display. This is the most important detail otherwise the whole thing fails. There is nothing at risk and, you know, the name just doesn’t make any sense.
The sealed envelope has an address on of the last person they would want to see them naked.
Whilst myself and Owain appreciate this is a very personal choice, if we raise enough on our Kickstarter, we will have a basic service in place which offers a list of suggestions for those who just don’t know who they would least like to see their genitals. It’s a world of decisions and sometimes we all need a little help. Examples will include mother, father, teacher, boss, old lover, local government official, Thom Yorke.
The exchanged photos are then put in a safe place regulated by us, (a massive vault with lasers and tripwires and keypads and eye scanners and codes and a million locks and five security guards and specially bred lions,) and a contract is signed.
The contract states that the couple have a mutual understanding that if one party breaks a relationship rule, or does the dirty on the other, the envelope will immediately be posted. No going back. No excuses. No barbershop quartets explaining how you were drunk and tired and it doesn’t count because you fell asleep halfway through.
I don’t see ANY faults in this idea, or how such a system could ever be abused and go horribly wrong.
MAGICAL would be a scheme for couples so sure of each other’s faithfulness they wouldn’t think twice about exchanging potentially life ruining photos, or alternatively for those with trust issues and high libidos who need that tiny little incentive not to cheat.
Obviously the scheme would need to be regulated. Someone would need to make sure the receiver of the envelope wasn’t blind, or the photos weren’t posted due to suspicions rather then evidence. They would need to make sure the photos weren’t of the crease of someone’s inner forearm or of a hilarious cat in a oversized car. We would be those people.
Some of you will be questioning where the costs will go. After all isn’t £500,000 quite a lot for an imaginary idea? And in this day and age, isn’t trust enough? No. Look at what happened in that Diane Lane film Infidelity. If our scheme had been in place Oliver Martinez would still be alive. I rest my case.
But for doubters here is how I came to the sum of £500,000.
Estimated costs for the first year:
Business Cards – £300
Plaque for Door – £50
Bumper back of Envelopes -£10
Pen – £1.99 or sourced from Barclays
A loveable secretary who sends out flowers to loved ones when we forget, and makes tea -£26,000
High Tech security vault room with lasers, tripwires, keypad, eye scanners, codes, a million locks, five security guards and specially breed lions – £473,238
We believe a relationship is something to be upheld, like a death sentence, and these days there just doesn’t seem to be enough at stake. With MAGICAL you can be guaranteed that if your partner cheats on you the world will know exactly what kind of dick/cunt (delete as appropriate) they are.