Ask Aunt Flow


Dear Aunt Flow,

I’m about to go to University, and I am fairly inexperienced, but I hear it’s a time of sexual awakening and regret. Should I join in and lose my naivety by getting drunk and letting some guy fall asleep on me, or should I save myself for someone who really knows the reasons I can’t sleep and still wants me.


A Bright Eyes Fan, 18, London.

Hello Bright Eyes fan,

I am an experienced woman. I have taken many lovers. I took many of these lovers at university, and it sucked. Big time. Not literally. But it was a dark time for me. I ate a lot of chicken burgers, drank a lot of alcopops and slept with a lot of guys whose names I can’t remember now. I think I made a list once. But I burnt that list. And I buried it. And sent it out to sea with a piece of lucky heather, and a nail bomb. I could tell you not to be like me, but that would be a waste of time. You’re going to be like me.  In fact, I want you to be like me. Especially if you’re overweight. Or a bit emo. Sleeping with total douchebags will make you feel like shit in the morning, have dead badger breath and wonder if your mum can tell that someone was a slut next time you go home with your washing, but don’t worry. She will know. She was a slut once too.

The right of slut passage is a passage all successful women have to go through. How else will you know the difference between feeling sad, alone and confused in the world, and feeling content with your inner self if you weren’t naked in front of a bunch of people you don’t like?

It’s the only way to work out your worth. How can you appreciate a really nice slice of cake if you haven’t eaten a few maggot infested rotting Bakewell tarts in the past? How can you appreciate the sanctity of life if you haven’t seen children ritually executed in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

But I will recommend this. Use protection. Use a condom. But not for his penis. For your heart. A heart condom. Wear a heart condom.

Don’t fall in love with the boy who has hair like a willow tree on a cool summers morn and promises you the world. He will give you a lift to Tesco’s for the morning after pill, and then pretend to wait for you in the car. But when you get back there will be no car, and his flatmates will tell you he never existed in the first place, or has been dead for twenty years. You did not sleep with a ghost. YOU DID NOT SLEEP WITH A GHOST.

Hope that helps!

Aunt Flow x


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